


Unmade

by indiefic



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Trauma, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Physical Trauma, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy, mental trauma, pregnancy as a result of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-09-08 04:44:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8830891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indiefic/pseuds/indiefic
Summary: Steve and Peggy were both on the Valkyrie when it went into the ice.  During the Avengers, it was Steve, not Clint, who was Loki's flying monkey.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with some very dark themes, central among them is rape. The rape happens before the story starts. The story does not deal with the specifics directly. We do not see the events as they happen, or in flashback. 
> 
> The entire story focuses on the fallout and recovery from that event. The story deals with PTSD, pregnancy as a result of rape, and postpartum depression.
> 
> YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
> 
> Inspired by Quigonejinn’s fic [“Warmed”](http://archiveofourown.org/works/561706) which is a Natasha and Steve story set during Avengers.
> 
> As a side note, Bucky was recovered and rehabilitated by SHIELD prior to the events of Avengers, but it's a very small part of this story.

_Do you know what it’s like to be unmade?_

_You know that I do._

_-Avengers_

 

* * *

 

 

**May 2012**

**New York**

**Three Days After the Battle of New York**

 

The doctor conducted the exam in near perfect silence, with only murmurs of “to the right”, “up”, and so forth, to interrupt the solemn atmosphere.  The doctor didn’t want to look in her eyes and that was mostly fine with Peggy.  She didn’t want to look into his eyes either.  She had no desire to see the pity there.  Even with her chart right in front of him, he didn’t know the half of it.

She appreciated the fact that she was one, among many.  The casualties from the Battle of New York definitely could have been worse.  The team mitigated the damage as much as they could.  But there were still so many injured, so many killed.  

The doctor released her and the nurse escorted her down the hall.  It was a slow, laborious process.  Her right arm was heavily bandaged, tucked against her body, and she had a profound limp.  She was in a cervical collar.  She still couldn’t see out of her right eye.  And every single bit of her was in pain, from dull aches to screaming agony.

The nurse handed her the two pain pills and then a cup of water with a straw, to spare Peggy the farce of trying to drink from a cup while wearing a cervical collar.  It was better, but not great.  Even the effort of pursing her lips together and taking a drink was agony on the muscles of her neck.  Severe whiplash, some of the worst they’d ever seen, the doctor said.  She suspected that what he meant was it was some of the worst anyone ever sustained, without also having a broken neck.

Steve pulled his punches.  Somehow.  She’d seen, first hand, what he could do when he meant it.  Some part of him had enough control to stop himself from killing her, regardless of Loki’s orders.  She wondered how much that had cost Steve.

The nurse helped her into the wheelchair, but even then Peggy couldn’t relax.  There was no comfortable position.  The nurse wheeled her down the hall to the elevator, then up three flights and into another hallway, this one carpeted, the walls painted a dull gray.

Dr. Parrish was waiting for her.  He had a kind face and a soothing voice.  He closed the blinds and offered her tea, which she refused.  She sat there, staring at the Klimt print on the far wall, behind his desk, not listening to him.  Occasionally words would filter into her consciousness, “trauma”, “insomnia”, “numbness”.  

 This was, without a doubt, the thing she despised the most about this time.  All the goddamn talking.  Why the bloody hell couldn’t people just get on with things?

 Thankfully, the pain pills went to work.  Her eyes kept fluttering shut.  Dr. Parrish finally sighed and called for the nurse, who wheeled Peggy back to her room.  They tucked her into bed and she slept a blessedly dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

**Two Weeks Later**

 

The doctor removed the wrap and tested her range of motion, shaking his head in disbelief.  “I would have expected an injury like this to take months to heal,” he said, looking at her, his brow furrowed and lips pursed together.  He shrugged.  “You and Rogers certainly are wonders.”

He seemed to catch himself too late and frowned again.  He turned away, paying her chart undue attention.

Peggy hated the acid roiling in her stomach at the mention of Steve’s name.  She hated the panicky bite of bile at the back of her throat.  

So far the care staff had been good about not talking about him.  Parrish was the only one who ever mentioned him.

“Does this mean I may forgo the wrap?” she asked sharply.

The doctor turned to her and nodded.  “Physically you seem fine.  I’ll send in a nurse to draw blood.  We need to re-run all of your labs to be certain you’re good before we clear you.”

She nodded and watched the doctor leave the room.  Clear for what, she didn’t know.  Fury had stopped by to see her twice.  And Natasha had a habit of running into her more often than not when she left her room.  But Peggy wasn’t at all certain that she had a role within SHIELD.  Surely Parrish had to sign off on that.  He’d been “concerned” when he initially assessed Peggy, after the Valkyrie had been found.  He hadn’t liked her unwillingness to talk then.  But Fury had overridden Parrish, pulled Peggy into the team when Loki started his war.

The thought of Loki hit Peggy with unexpected force.  She was shaky, shivering, her hands clammy, heart racing.  She took a deep, unsteady breath, forced her hands to unclench, bit back the scream resting behind her teeth.

She doubted that Fury would override Parrish this time.

The nurse returned and drew the blood.  She pressed a cottonball to the crease of Peggy’s arm and covered it with a bandaid.  

 

* * *

 

**One Week Later**

 

“You look like shit, Carter.”

Peggy looked over at Natasha.  She was sitting on one of the park benches with careless feline grace that always animated her.  Instinctively, Peggy scanned the park.   She saw her regular shadows.  The short black woman with the athletic build and the slim white woman with the flat, midwestern accent.  She had no idea what their names were, and she didn’t want to know.  There was no one else in the immediate vicinity.

“You can relax.  He’s not here,” Natasha said, her voice deliberate and slow  “Fury moved him to D.C. before he even woke up.”

Peggy blinked at Natasha, aware she was trembling.  She clenched her fists and teeth together.  Forced herself to take a breath.  There were a million questions she wanted to ask, but the thought of shaping her her mouth to those words had bile rising in her throat.

Natasha took a careful breath and leaned forward, bracing her elbows on her thighs as she looked up at Peggy.  “He’s going to be okay,” she said quietly.  “It was touch and go for a while, but he’s on the mend now.  He asks about you.”

Peggy released the breath she wasn’t aware she’d been holding.

“He talks even less than you, which has Parrish in a snit,” Natasha continued.

Peggy stood her ground.

Natasha sighed.  “You don’t have the luxury of time,” she said.  “You’re going to have to decide what to do about it soon.”  

She stood up and stepped closer to Peggy, her eyes were sad, but Peggy knew how good of an actress Natasha could be.  Peggy clenched her jaw together harder to keep her teeth from chattering.  

Natasha looked away, staring blindly into the middle distance.  “No one has told him anything,” she said quietly.  “They won’t unless, and until, you give the word.  I understand that the pregnancy is Loki’s doing, but genetically, at least, it’s Rogers’.  I don’t know if that figures into it for you or not.  If you need to talk to him, arrangements can be made.”

Peggy turned away, walking blindly toward the park exit.

 

* * *

 

**One Month Later**

 

Peggy sat on her bed, in her quarters at the SHIELD complex in New York, staring at the sonogram printout.  It looked like nothing.  Static.  Her name was in the corner, dates, codes that meant nothing to Peggy.  She felt no connection to the piece of paper, or to the results in her medical file.

Parrish had been livid when he found out the tech gave her the printout.

Did he really think that after everything that happened, that a grainy, indecipherable black and white image on thin, slick paper would have any effect on her?

Loki did this.  

Peggy knew that truth to the depth of her bones.  Chaos.  Pain.  He seemed to revel in those.  Steve’s goodness seemed to offend Loki’s very nature.  And Loki was so damn good at reading people.  He hadn’t meant to kill them.  He hadn’t even meant to wound them.  That was beside the point.  His intention had been to destroy them, cripple them emotionally and mentally.

And he just might have succeeded.

Loki was as responsible for Peggy’s dislocated elbow and fractured rotator cuff as he was for the pregnancy.  But it hadn’t been Loki’s hands on her.  It hadn’t been Loki’s body inside her own.

It was Steve.  In Loki’s thrall.  Steve had been in there, somewhere, bearing silent witness, helpless to do anything to stop himself.

Peggy let the paper sift through her fingers, fluttering to the floor.  Silently, she curled in on herself.  She knew, with everything she was, that Steve was not at fault.  Steve was a kind, gentle man.  All the damage was Loki’s doing.  

But it had been Steve’s fists, Steve’s strength, Steve’s body.

It was Steve’s child she was carrying.

She coughed, gagging and dry heaving.  

 

* * *

 

In the end, Peggy told Steve nothing.  Not even where she was going.  She told Fury she wanted out.  She booked a plane ticket, and found an apartment, in Denver.  It was a place she’d never visited, or wanted to visit.  The air was too dry, the sun too bright.  There were too many people and everything was infuriatingly expensive.

But it was home.  For now.  A place to hide.

Peggy had a monthly stipend, some sort of disability payment, she was sure, though she’d never asked for the details.  She didn’t know if anybody had told Steve that she was okay, or where she had gone.  She really wasn’t sure what she hoped they’d done.  She wasn’t sure if it was worse for him to know, or not know.  Did he want to know?  She had no idea.  Maybe he was relieved to not have to look at her.

She had a two bedroom condo.  The second bedroom as an office, she told herself.  Except that she didn’t have a job, and she never even bothered to turn on her laptop.  She didn’t buy maternity clothes.  She preferred leggings and oversized shirts anyway.  Maternity clothes were unnecessary.

For a long time, Peggy just forgot about it.  Forgot about everything, as much as she could.  She didn’t know anyone in this place.  She didn’t make friends, or find a job.  No one asked after her day, or took any time to try and get to know her.  No one gave a second glance to her.

 

* * *

 

“Are you keeping it?” Natasha asked.  “Or do you want to look into adoption?”

“What kind of question is that?” Peggy scoffed.

Natasha just watched her, so long that Peggy had to turn away.  The truth was, she had no idea.  She had no idea if she intended to keep it, or give it up.  For a long time, she thought if she just ignored it, it would go away.  

But it didn’t.

It was getting hard to tie her shoes.  And even sweatpants didn’t really fit.  She was uncomfortable, her body ungainly.  She cried at the drop of a hat and she felt like a stranger in her own body.

“I don’t know,” she said, her voice a bare whisper.

“You have time,” Natasha said.  “But not a lot.”

 

* * *

 

The look of pity the nurse gave Peggy when she told her there was no one to call was almost more than Peggy could take.  She rolled away, staring at the far wall, gritting her teeth against the contraction.

She knew she was a disappointment, a frustration.  She hadn’t had any real prenatal care.  She hadn’t taken any childbirth classes.  She didn’t have a midwife or an obstetrician.  She didn’t have a birth plan or a pediatrician.

But she knew the date of conception with absolute certainty.

The labor was grueling.  When progress stalled, they gave her some drug to get it going.  The contractions were crippling, so they cut them with an epidural, which worked wonders, but also slowed things down again.  

Peggy pushed for hours.  They were moments away from using forceps when she finally managed to birth the child, her efforts assisted by the fact that she was vomiting so hard she entirely missed the doctor laying the child on her stomach before they whisked it away to check the airway.

 _Her_ airway.

A baby girl.

She was healthy, despite the circumstances of her conception, despite Peggy’s lack of prenatal care, despite Steve’s complicated medical history.  

Seven pounds.  Ten toes.  Ten fingers.  Lungs in top working order.

They kept Peggy in the hospital for two days, but she couldn’t sleep.  There had been stitches, a lot of them.  Peggy developed a hacking cough that pulled at the stitches every time she moved.  When she managed to drift off to sleep, a nurse would wake her up to check on something.  A breastfeeding consultant showed up before dawn, patiently trying to show Peggy how to get her daughter to latch on.

“What’s her name?”

Peggy looked at the woman.  “Pardon?”

“Your daughter,” she said with a gentle smile.  “What’s her name?”

Peggy blinked.  “Sarah.”

The woman nodded.  “A lovely name, Sarah.”

 

* * *

 

They just sent the baby home with Peggy.

As if she had any idea how to care for it.  

They gave her a car seat and installed it for her.  There was a bag, emblazoned with the logo of a formula company, stocked with diapers and formula samples.  The nurses had found a couple of onesies and extra swaddling blankets.  A social worker asked Peggy a lot of questions which she wasn’t terribly inclined to answer truthfully.  She made up a story about a one night stand and a supportive family, who would be thrilled to welcome them both home.

The hospital staff wheeled Peggy out to the portico, the baby clutched to her chest.  And that was that.  They sent them on their way.

The baby cried incessantly, unless she was physically skin to skin against Peggy.  For Peggy, who wanted nothing more than a bloody moment’s peace and privacy, it was a hell.  She couldn’t sleep, she couldn’t shower.  Days and nights blurred one into the next, all coated by a bleary fog of despair, pierced only by the baby’s cries.

In the middle of the night, Peggy stared at the child, wondering bleakly what she should feel.  She hadn’t read a lot, but she knew.  There was supposed to be an overwhelming tide of love.  The bond between mother and child.  Precious.  Sacred.

Peggy felt none of that when she looked at the sleeping infant.  She knew, without a doubt, that she would kill to protect the child.  But aside from that, she felt numb, hollow, overstimulated and sleep deprived.

The hospital called, but Peggy didn’t answer.

She ordered diapers online, and delivery food, when she could remember.  Peggy knew the baby wasn’t supposed to sleep in bed with her, but she had no idea what else to do.  She couldn’t put her down for a moment, even when she was asleep, without her waking and screaming bloody murder.

Peggy’s nipples cracked and bled and the first few moments after the baby latched on were some of the bleakest Peggy ever experienced.  No warm tide of love.  She felt a crushing depression, followed by bleak numbness.

 

* * *

 

“Jesus Christ, Carter.”

Peggy looked at Natasha.

Natasha set down the giftbag and crossed the room.  She took the baby out of Peggy’s unresisting grip.  “Go, take a shower,” she said, nodding toward the bathroom.  Peggy opened her mouth, but she snapped.  “Go!”

Peggy showered, and slept.  Not long.  She woke up regularly, reaching for the baby, only to realize she was in the other room with Natasha.  When she finally left the bedroom, Natasha said to her, “You need help.”

Peggy tucked her hair behind her ear, crossing her arms over her chest.  “I don’t want help.”

 

* * *

 

 

It was six weeks before the shit completely hit the fan.  A wellness check, whatever the hell that was.  Peggy honestly couldn't remember a lot of it.  She knew that the woman had reached for Sarah, and Peggy reacted.

Peggy looked up as Natasha entered her hospital room.  “You’re damn lucky you’re not in jail right now,” she said, her features surprisingly taut.  “You broke the woman’s wrist, and the man’s nose.”

“They were trying to take her.”

“They weren’t, actually,” Natasha said dryly.  “They were trying to check on both of you.  Seems like someone had the crazy idea that maybe things weren’t okay with you and the kid.”

“Where is Sarah?” Peggy asked tightly, terrified.  

She’d run every possible scenario in her mind about what would happen to Sarah.  Peggy didn’t have any official next of kin.  Not in this time.  The few biological relatives she had didn’t know she even existed.  They cops who took Peggy in must have called Child Welfare.  Would they put Sarah in a foster home?  The idea gutted Peggy.  She’d read message boards, in the middle of the night, talking about what could happen to kids who were put into care - and how difficult it could be to get them back.

Natasha frowned at her.  “She’s with Steve.”

Peggy blinked dumbly.  “Steve Rogers?”

Natasha’s frown intensified.  “You think they gave some other Steve your kid?”

Peggy opened her mouth to speak and then snapped it shut again.  She took a deep breath.  “He knows?”

Natasha shrugged.  “He does now.  You can thank SHIELD for doing paternity testing without your consent when she was born.  It was all on record.  He filed for emergency custody and it was granted on a provisional basis.”

Peggy frowned, at a loss.  “Who told him?”

“What the fuck does it matter who told him?” Natasha asked.  “Would you rather she be in foster care?”

Peggy winced, grinding her teeth together to keep her chin from wobbling.  She shook her head.  “No, I wouldn’t prefer that.”  She took a deep breath.  “Does he know how to take care of a baby?”

Natasha looked like she was biting back a smile.  “If he doesn’t, he’s going to learn quick.”

 

* * *

 

 

Peggy’s seventy-two hour psychiatric hold did wonders for her mental acuity, if not her mood.  She actually slept, long and hard.  She realized, for the first time, what everyone else had seen when they looked at her.  The deep hollows beneath her eyes, greasy, unkempt hair.  She’d lost so much weight.

The charges were dropped.  Peggy suspected SHIELD was behind that, and she was grateful.

Peggy was released from the hospital.  Natasha was there when they signed off on the paperwork.  “Steve’s downstairs with the kid,” she said.

Peggy nodded, trying to mentally prepare herself.  She’d studiously avoided thinking about Steve.  Pretty much since the Battle of New York.  But there was absolutely no way she could avoid him now.

Peggy took the elevator to the lobby.  When the doors opened, Steve was the first thing she saw, standing on the other side of the room.  He was holding Sarah, bouncing his knees lightly to try and soothe her.  

Peggy wasn’t sure if he noticed her or not.  He had his hands full with Sarah.  But she thought it was more likely that he was giving Peggy a chance to get her bearings.  Her heart hammered in her chest with panic, but she forced it back.  It was just Steve.  She knew Steve.  She trusted Steve, in spite of everything.

Slowly, Steve turned to look at her.  He gave her a soft smile.  “Look who’s here, Bean,” she heard him say to the baby.

Peggy crossed the room and reached for the fussing baby.  Steve handed her over.  Peggy had been certain, up until that moment, that Sarah felt no particular attachment to her.  But the moment Peggy cuddled her close, Sarah stopped fussing.  Though she did immediately start sucking on the exposed skin of Peggy’s upper chest, rooting, tugging at her shirt.  

Peggy held Sarah close, breathing in the scent of her, overwhelmed with relief.  Her baby.  She had her baby.

Peggy blinked quickly, feeling ridiculously exposed standing in the middle of the hospital lobby with Steve.

He took pity on her.  “Come on,” he said quietly.  “I’ll take you guys home.”

 

* * *

 

Peggy sat in the backseat of her own car, with the baby, nursing her.  This time, when the depression hit her, Peggy knew it was something called D-MER.  While unpleasant, she knew it would pass quickly.

“She hasn’t eaten much,” Steve said quietly, avoiding Peggy’s eyes in the mirror.  “She doesn’t seem to like formula.  I tried a couple different kinds.”

Peggy nodded, even though Steve couldn’t see her.  “I tried every brand on the market.  She’s steadfastly refused them all.”

“I guess it’s good she knows what she wants,” Steve said, sounding proud.  “You know where you stand with Bean.”

Peggy looked down at her daughter, her little face scrunched up against her breast as she nursed.  Yes, indeed, Sarah always let you know where you stood with her.  Peggy’s brow furrowed.  “You call her Bean?”

“Uh,” Steve said, sounding sheepish.  “Sarah sounded a little formal.  I don’t have to if it - “

“No, it’s fine,” Peggy said quietly, looking down at the baby.  She smoothed down several of her wisps of her fine, blonde hair.  “It’s alright.”

Sarah nodded off to sleep and Peggy righted her shirt and then buckled Sarah into her car seat.  Steve waited until Peggy was buckled up too and he drove them back to Peggy’s apartment.  Sarah was still asleep, so Peggy left her strapped in the carseat.  Steve offered to carry the carseat inside and Peggy let him, watching as he walked with the baby.  It was a surreal sight that left her unsettled.

As soon as she walked into the apartment, Peggy knew that Steve must have been staying here.  The place was considerably cleaner than it had been, and there was a portable playpen set up in the middle of the living room.

Steve looked at the playpen.  “She, uh, doesn’t like to sleep in it.”

Peggy let out a bark of laughter before she could stop herself.  She cleared her throat.  “Yes, I know.”  

She took the carseat from Steve and set it by the couch in the living room.  She unbuckled Sarah, but tucked another blanket around her, making sure she was warm enough.  The baby was completely out, fast asleep, and Peggy wondered how much sleep Sarah had gotten while they were separated.  She suspected it hadn’t been much.

Peggy turned, looking at Steve, who didn’t look like he’d had a whole lot of sleep either.  His expression was sober, pained.  She had no idea what he saw when he looked at her.

“Sorry about barging into your space.  I didn’t want to disrupt things for her more than they already were,” he said quietly.  He pursed his lips together.  “She doesn’t seem to like me very much.  But you need help, Peggy.”

Peggy looked around the apartment and nodded.  Steve, technically, had custody of Sarah right now.  Peggy wasn’t sure what would happen if she fought him on that.  Nothing in his demeanor was aggressive to her at all.  But Peggy suspected that he would do a lot to protect Sarah.  Peggy didn’t stand to gain anything by starting a war with him.  “Are you offering to help?”

He looked pained again.  “Of course.  But I understand if you don’t want me here.”  He paused, looking stricken.  “Peggy, I’m so sorry for what happened.”

That sick, roiling feeling was back in the pit of her stomach.  She shook her head.  “It wasn’t your fault,” she said mechanically.  She meant the words.  But the acidic bite of the panic those memories brought made it sound less than sincere.

He winced.  “I can try and find a place close by.”

She shook her head, forcing herself to push through it.  “You can stay here, if you want.  There’s an extra bedroom.  But you’ll have to get furniture.”  She couldn’t even say the word ‘bed’.  Not that there’d been a bed when they -

Steve nodded.

He went out on the little balcony and made a few calls while Peggy started a load of laundry.  She had no idea where he normally would have been right now -  if he hadn’t been forced to intervene.  He probably still worked for Fury.  She wasn’t sure how he was managing to get the time off - or to relocate.

Peggy checked the fridge and found it well stocked.  She wondered how much that cost him.  Jesus, she felt like a joke.

Peggy was chopping up vegetables for soup when Sarah’s cries pierced the air.  They were shrill, panicked cries.  Peggy beat Steve in running for her, and he immediately moved back, giving them space.

Peggy picked Sarah up, shushing her as she cuddled her close.  Sarah immediately quieted and started industriously gumming Peggy’s shirt.

Peggy looked at Steve and he gave her a lopsided grin.  “Yeah, she likes you a lot more than me.”

Peggy rolled her eyes, but smiled.  Steve finished assembling the soup ingredients.  It wasn’t a gourmet meal, but it was good.

As the evening wore on, Sarah was even clingier than usual, which made sense.  Peggy hated the thought of putting her down.  Any time she even tried, Sarah wailed bloody murder.  Steve took Sarah, to try and give Peggy a break.  Sarah was still fussy, but Steve put on a good face and walked around the apartment with her, bouncing as he went and talking to her in a soft voice.

Peggy didn’t think that Sarah disliked him half as much as he seemed to think.  But Peggy appreciated his determination in the face of Sarah’s irritation.

Peggy took some time and picked up her room, re-arranged some things.  She moved some boxes out of the second bedroom, and various things out of the main bathroom in the apartment.  She had her own bathroom off the master bedroom.

When she told Steve that she and Sarah were going to sleep, he nodded.  She thought that he looked like he wanted to say goodnight to Sarah, but she was clinging to Peggy, so he just said, “Goodnight.”

Peggy went to her room.  She paused for a moment before locking her door.  Logically she understood that Steve wouldn’t barge into her room.  And if he did, a flimsy lock wouldn’t be able to stop him.  But she felt marginally better.  

 

* * *

 

Peggy didn’t know if had been her months of isolation, or if it was Steve himself that was the issue.  But she spent the first week that he was living with them metaphorically jumping out of her skin every time she turned around and saw him.

For his part, Steve was exactly as courteous and conscientious as Peggy would have expected him to be.  He intentionally made noise when he walked, to try and avoid sneaking up on her.  He kept things tidy - significantly tidier than Peggy suspected was normal for him.  He helped with Sarah as much as Peggy would allow.  She suspected he had to be bored out of his mind, but he never complained.

One night, a couple weeks after Steve had moved in, some things shifted.  The day had been awful.  Sarah had just gotten a round of vaccinations and was running a fever and generally being more inconsolable than usual.  Peggy had gone to bed with her early, completely exhausted herself.

Sarah woke up shortly after midnight.  Often Peggy could nurse her and get her back to sleep, but this night she just wailed.  Peggy was on the verge of tears when there was a soft knock on her bedroom door.  Peggy hadn’t locked the door that night, and she knew it was Steve.  She called for him to come in.

Steve stuck his head in the room.  Their eyes met, and he silently crossed the room.  He reached for Sarah.  “I can take her.”

Peggy understood that Sarah was his child, and therefore he had as much of a stake in things as she did.  But the guilt was still crushing.  Normally, she would have sent Steve away, but this night she was so tired that she handed Sarah over.

Peggy could hear them in the living room, Sarah still wailing.  As much as she wanted to care, she couldn’t.  She put in a pair of earplugs and went back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

When Peggy woke up, it was morning and the apartment was quiet.  She walked out to the living room and found Steve asleep in the recliner, with Sarah asleep on his chest.  He had his hand splayed across her back, holding her to him.  His hand was bigger than her back.  The sun streaming in through the patio door was glinting off the scant hair on Sarah’s head.  It was exactly the same shade as Steve’s.

For a long time, Peggy just stood there watching them.  Then she quietly crept back to her room and took a shower.

 

* * *

 

There was one evening, several weeks later, that Steve and Peggy were watching an old movie on cable.  Summer was just starting to fade into fall and the days were getting shorter.  They were sitting next to each other on the couch.  Sarah was asleep on Peggy’s chest.  She’d slept for most of the day.  She was probably getting ready for another growth spurt.

Peggy knew that Steve kept looking over at them, so she wasn’t shocked when he finally spoke.

“Why did you name her Sarah?”

Peggy looked at him, at a loss.  She frowned.  “That was your mother’s name, wasn’t it?”

He nodded.

She shrugged.

“You named her after my mother?”

Peggy took a deep breath.  “Truthfully, they handed me the birth certificate paperwork and up until that moment, I hadn’t even considered names.  And it just ... seemed like the thing to do.”  She looked at Steve.  “Are you upset?”

He shook his head.  “No.  Just curious.”

Peggy waited.

“I want to be listed on her birth certificate.”

Peggy nodded.  She wasn’t shocked.  She knew that his paternity had been legally established as part of the custody hearing, but neither of them had filed an amended birth certificate.

Steve leaned over and ran his fingertip lightly over Sarah’s cheek.  “She looks like you.”

Peggy arched an eyebrow.  “She has blue eyes and blonde hair.”

He looked up and met her gaze.  “She’s beautiful.”  He said it blandly.  It wasn’t part of a seduction.  There was no manipulation in it.  It was just a statement of fact.

Peggy didn’t know what to say, so she turned back to the movie.

 

* * *

 

When Peggy got out of the shower, she walked into the kitchen wrapped in her robe and poured herself a cup of coffee.  Steve was standing there, holding Sarah, leaning back against the counter.  She knew from his face that something was up.  Well, that and she’d heard him on his phone for quite a while the previous evening.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

He frowned.  “Fury wants me back in D.C.  Permanently.”

Peggy’s grip on the coffee mug tightened.  “You’re leaving?”

He shrugged.  “That’s mostly up to you.”

She shook her head.  “What does that mean?”

He took a deep breath.  “I’d like to go.  But I want you and Sarah to come with me.”

Peggy just watched him for a long moment.  Moving to D.C. _with_ Steve.  She wasn’t sure what that meant.  She wasn’t sure she wanted to know what that meant.  But she was fairly certain she didn’t want him to be separated from Sarah.  “And if we don’t?”

He took a deep breath and rubbed circles on Sarah’s back.  “I’ll figure out some way to split time between D.C. and here.  If that doesn't work, I guess I’ll leave SHIELD completely.”

She nodded, relieved he hadn’t mentioned them splitting custody of Sarah.  And equally relieved that Sarah seemed to be the biggest priority in his life.  But it was still terrifying.  “I need to think about it.”

“Of course.”

 

* * *

 

The day was sunny and mild.  Peggy took Sarah to the park and pushed her in one of the baby swings.  Peggy knew the decision seemed obvious.  Neither she, nor Sarah, had any particular connection to this place.  Steve had been living with them for months, more than half of Sarah’s life.  They’d amended Sarah’s birth certificate, and revised the custody agreement so that they officially shared custody.

Peggy knew that in those early months, she couldn’t have taken care of Sarah without Steve’s help.  If their situation had continued the way it was going, something awful would have happened.

There was no reason they shouldn’t all go to D.C.  

Other than the fact that Peggy and Steve weren’t together.

Sure, they were both Sarah’s parents.  They cohabitated.  They co-parented.  But they weren’t a couple.  

Peggy looked at her daughter, playfully kicking her legs and screeching happily.  Sarah was her child, with Steve.  They had a baby together.  Peggy had loved Steve, for a long time.  She wasn’t sure how it happened, exactly.  But she suspected that it started all the way back at Camp Lehigh.

And then Loki came to town.  And it twisted every bit of what she felt for Steve up in knots.  Peggy didn’t blame Steve.  She’d never blamed Steve.  He was absolutely as much of a victim as she was.  Maybe more.  As far as she knew, that had been his first sexual experience.  And for it to have been so thoroughly perverted with violence ... Peggy had no idea what that had really done to Steve.  She wasn’t brave enough to ask.

After months together, she had finally gotten to the point where what happened to them wasn’t the first thing to spring to her mind when she saw Steve.  She didn’t know what he thought of when he looked at her.

Regardless, they weren’t together.

And yet, Steve wanted to take her and Sarah both with him, to build a life together with them in D.C.  Peggy understood his desire to have Sarah close.  But she, herself, felt like nothing but dead weight to Steve.  

But even with all the gratitude and guilt she felt toward Steve, she couldn’t turn this situation into more than it was.  Not even for him.  She had no idea if he even had any interest in her anymore.  Maybe he had the same vaguely nauseated feeling that she had when she thought of them together.

But they both loved Sarah.  And they both wanted what was best for her.  And that probably meant both of them, together, doing everything they could for her.

 

* * *

 

Sarah, thankfully, slept on the flight.  Their possessions would arrive by truck tomorrow.  They had an apartment waiting for them in northern Virginia.  Neither of them had seen it in person. She and Steve spent every night for several weeks going through virtual tours and online ratings before they settled on a place that Peggy thought was astronomically expensive.  Three bedrooms, a nice, open floor plan.  And a top shelf school district.

They picked up the keys to the apartment that day, but they stayed in a hotel for the night.  There wasn’t much they could do with the apartment while all their possessions were en route.

Unfortunately, there was a mix up with the hotel reservation.  The room, rather than having two queen beds, had a single king bed.  Steve offered to go back to the front desk and fix it, but Peggy waved him off.  Sarah was coming undone and needed to be fed.

Steve flipped through channels while Peggy nursed the baby, who then promptly fell asleep.  It had been a long day.  Peggy settled the sleeping baby on Steve’s chest and he cuddled her close, murmuring, “Beanie” at her.

Peggy took a shower and changed into a sleep shirt and pajama pants.  Then she and Steve lay together on the bed, watching TV, with Sarah asleep between them.  Hours later, when Sarah woke, Peggy had to move her to the other side to nurse her.  Which is how Peggy woke up in the morning, spooned against Steve, with Sarah’s feet in her face.

The weirdest thing about it was that it didn’t feel weird.

Peggy had literally spent months after the Battle of New York, waking up in cold sweats, heart racing with panic.  And now, she opened her eyes and was laying next to Steve.  No big deal.  His arms was thrown around her waist.  She knew from his breathing that he was awake.

She stretched and said, “When is the moving truck supposed to be here?”

He rolled over onto his back, reaching for his phone.  He tapped through several screens and said, “Noon.”

And that was it, Peggy got up and took another shower, mostly to give her some privacy.  Then, she fed Sarah while Steve showered.  

The rest of the day didn’t go as smoothly.  The truck was late and Sarah was really fussy.  But by evening, they at least had a bed set up for Peggy and Sarah.  There were boxes everywhere.  It wasn’t a home yet, but Peggy’d had worse.  

At least they were all together.

 

* * *

 

The first month in D.C. was a balancing act, all of them trying to figure out where they needed to be - in so many respects.  Peggy and Sarah had the master bedroom again, though eventually Sarah would move into the smallest bedroom.  (That was the plan, anyway.)  Steve had the middle bedroom.

The apartment was expensive.  Peggy never would have been able to afford it on her own.  As it was, even with her stipend and his salary, it was still a bit of a stretch.  There was a lot of negotiation between Steve and Peggy about money and purchases.  

Steve’s schedule was incredibly unpredictable.  Peggy wondered if Fury wasn’t making up for the time he lost when Steve was with them in Denver.  He was constantly deployed, sometimes for less than a day, sometimes for a week or more.  The first time he got called up for a mission that took up the better part of a week, and Peggy couldn’t afford to put gas in the car, things changed.  They got a joint bank account.  The bulk of his salary went into it, as well as the bulk of Peggy’s stipend.  He left it up to Peggy how to spend the money, which gave her a freedom she knew she wouldn’t otherwise have.

Peggy was a single mom without a job.  She understood that Steve made a lot of things within her reach that otherwise wouldn’t have been possible.  She felt guilty about that, but she also knew it was what was best for Sarah.

This situation, with her and Steve, wasn’t sustainable.  It was a stop gap measure, while Sarah was still so small.  But Sarah was getting older.  She was starting to crawl.  She was more independent and adventurous.  

Peggy understood that she would eventually need to find a job and a place of her own.  Not immediately.  But it was on the horizon.  Peggy couldn’t imagine finding a job before Sarah was in pre-school at least.  Providing that Steve could put up with this arrangement for that long.

If he couldn’t, Peggy knew she’d figure something out.  She really didn’t expect Steve to make himself available at her convenience.  She understood that Sarah was incredibly important to him.  And he wanted to be an integral part of her life.  And Peggy was all for that.  

But he was still a single guy.  She didn’t want him to put the rest of his life on hold because of her and Sarah.  He was a good man.  He deserved a full life, a real family.  

Even if the thought broke Peggy’s heart.

 

* * *

 

Peggy found a class through the local city parks and recreation department.  It was at a nearby gymnasium, on Tuesday and Thursday mornings.  It was a playgroup for kids, two and under, with single parents.  There were a half dozen kids all around Sarah’s age and Sarah really seemed to enjoy it.  Peggy liked it mostly because she got to see Sarah around her peers, and reassure herself that her daughter was progressing the way she should.

After a couple of weeks, Peggy got to know several of the parents.  There was Nisha, who had twins sons who were a month younger than Sarah.  And Aaron, who had a son Sarah’s age, and a daughter who was nearly two.  Often times, after playgroup, they would grab a coffee together.  They started setting up playgroups of their own, trading off hosting to give the other parents a break.

Peggy had more available time than either Nisha, who lived with her mother, or Aaron, who split custody with his ex-wife.  As a result, Peggy hosted often.  Sarah loved it, and it gave Peggy something to do since Steve was often either at the office, or deployed to only God knew where.

Peggy hadn’t discussed it with Steve.  There didn’t seem to be any point since he wasn’t around during any of the playgroup times.  But he came home early one morning from an overseas deployment to find four extra kids in his house.

“A playgroup?” he asked.  “Where did you find it?”

“It’s through the city,” she replied.  She took the flier off the cork board in the kitchen and handed it to him.  He read through it, his brow furrowing.  He looked at her.  “Single parents?”

“Well,” she said, taken aback, crossing her arms over her chest.  “Yes.  That’s what I am.”  Steve wasn’t saying anything, so she blundered ahead.  “It’s what you are as well.”

He looked from her, over to Sarah, who was fighting over a toy with one of Nisha’s boys, and back to Peggy.  

Peggy just looked at him.

He frowned again.  “I’m going to take a shower.”

“All right,” Peggy said, watching him go.

By the time Steve was out of the shower, Nisha and Aaron had returned.  They were all having coffee, watching the kids play.  Steve walked into the living room and Sarah made a beeline for him.  She grabbed his jeans and proceeded to pull herself into a standing position, hitting his leg so he would pick her up.  He reached down and scooped her into his arms and gave her a smacking kiss on the cheek.  “Howdy, Bean,” he said, snuggling her close.  Sarah laughed with delight.

Aaron stood up and held out his hand.  “You must be Steve, Sarah’s dad.  Peggy told us you two share the apartment.”

“Uh, yeah,” Steve replied, shaking his hand, maybe a little more firmly than was strictly necessary.  That wasn’t lost on Peggy.  Steve then turned to Nisha and introduced himself.

Peggy wasn’t sure what was going on with Steve, but she kept the conversation light.  It wasn’t long before it was clear that the playgroup participants all needed naps.  Steve helped Nisha out to her car while Peggy fed Sarah and laid her down for a nap in the playpen.

When Steve came back in the apartment, Peggy could tell he was still out of sorts.  “How was the mission?” she asked.

He grimaced and shook his head.  “Bad.”

She nodded.

He took a deep breath and shook his head.  “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

Peggy really didn’t want to watch a movie, but Sarah would probably be asleep for two hours and Steve rarely asked much of her.  “Sure.”

He sat down on the couch, flipping through channels.  She sat next to him, watching as he turned on a nature documentary, which if memory served, was about ten hours long.  He sank back in the cushions wearily, eyes on the TV.  Peggy curled up, tucking her feet under herself.  It was chilly and she finally leaned over and snagged a blanket off one of the chairs.  She offered Steve part of it and he took it, resting his arm along the back of the couch so she could move closer.  She did.  It seemed normal, comfortable.

They sat in silence for a long time, watching the documentary.  She noticed that Steve was having a hard time keeping his eyes open, so she moved to the far end of the couch and motioned for him to lay down.  She was thinking she would get his feet, but instead he rested his head against her thigh.  He settled down and then seemed to catch himself and glanced up at her.  “Is this okay?”

She nodded.  “It’s fine.”

He laid his head down again and she watched his eyes flutter shut.  It didn’t take long before Steve was solidly out, drooling on her leg.  Very gently, she touched him, brushing her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.  He didn’t stir.

She took the opportunity to really look at him.  Asleep, he looked so much like the man she’d known during the war.  A little leaner perhaps, shorter hair, but largely the same.  There was none of the apprehension or caution she’d come to associate with his expressions and movements.

She touched his cheek, rubbing over it gently with her thumb.  There was no scar.  When the other Avengers had finally brought him down during the Battle of New York, the entire left side of his face had been torn open - along with a whole host of other wounds.  They’d had to practically kill him to stop him.  And now ... He looked as perfect as always.

Peggy wondered how damaged he was - inside.  He was a good man.  She knew that to the depths of her soul.  He didn’t bleed on people.  He didn’t burden others with his problems.  But surely he had been profoundly wounded by the Battle of New York.  In ways that didn’t leave visible scars.  

And then Peggy had left him, ran away, hid the fact from him that she was carrying his child.  He’d never mentioned any of that, never hinted at the fact that he might have lingering bitterness over what she’d stolen from him.

Steve just went on with life.  He readily accepted Peggy back in his life.  He was an incredibly devoted father.  He worked for Fury, doing God only knew what.  Probably nothing that was great for someone who had been through as much trauma as he’d been through.  But he did it.  Because it needed to be done.

Peggy sat on the couch with him for nearly two hours.  Steve slept the entire time, barely stirring.  When Sarah started to cry, Steve’s head immediately popped up, his eyes wide and slightly panicky.

“I’ll get her,” Peggy said gently.

Steve sort of grunted, but took a deep breath and nodded.  He moved enough that Peggy could stand up.  He then curled onto his side, taking up the entire couch, asleep as soon as his head hit the cushions.  

Peggy went and rescued Sarah from her playpen and changed her diaper.  Then they headed back to the living room.  As soon as Sarah saw Steve, she started chirping, “Da! Da!”.

Steve opened his eyes and reached for Sarah and she gladly went to him.  She even let him cuddle her on the couch for a minute or so.  But then she needed down because she was busy and had things to do.

“Go to your room and sleep,” Peggy said, knowing that if Steve stayed on the couch, Sarah was never going to leave him alone.  He nodded and moved to his room.

 

* * *

 

It was late afternoon before Steve reappeared.  He looked better, but he was still frowning.  Peggy waited.  She was sitting on the living room floor, stacking blocks with Sarah.  Well, Peggy was stacking the blocks.  Sarah was knocking them over.  

Steve sat down in the recliner with a cup of coffee in his hand.  “Are you seeing anyone?” he asked, in what she assumed he thought was a casual tone of voice.

She looked up at him.  “No.”  She paused.  “Are you?”

He shook his head.  “No.”

She nodded.  Steve didn’t say anything else.

Steve played with Sarah while Peggy was making dinner.  She was nearly done when they wandered into the kitchen.  Steve was still frowning.  “Do you want to see other people?”

Peggy stopped what she was doing and looked at him.  The phrasing was telling.  But now wasn’t the time.  “I’m not looking for anything other than friends for Sarah,” she said truthfully.

That seemed to mollify him and he and Sarah went back into the living room until dinner was ready.  They ate.  Sarah mashed a bunch of sweet potatoes into her hair.  Peggy figured the amount that made it into her mouth had been nominal.  She was more interested in the blueberries and yogurt.

After dinner, Peggy cleaned up the kitchen while Steve gave Sarah a bath.  Afterward, Peggy managed to get Sarah down for the night.  In her crib.  In her room.  Peggy doubted she’d stay there until midnight, but it was a work in progress.

Peggy was in the kitchen, making herself a cup of tea, when Steve joined her.  He was leaning back against the counter, watching her.  She waited.

“Are we ever going to talk about it?”

Peggy stopped stirring her tea for a moment.  She swallowed thickly, and then said, “ _It_?”  She looked over at him.

Steve frowned at her.  “The Battle of New York,” he said gently.  “Loki.  All of it.”

Peggy was aware that her hand was trembling slightly and she forced her palms flat on the counter.  She took a deep breath, staring blindly at the cabinets.  “What’s there to talk about?”

He was quiet for a moment.  “Everything.”

Peggy stood there, unable to say anything.

“I’ve talked,” Steve said quietly.  “A lot.  Mostly to Parrish.”  He paused.  “I’d like to talk to you.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she snapped, rounding on him.

He didn’t seem surprised.  He nodded.  “I know,” he said gently.  “But I think we need to talk about it.  For Sarah’s sake, if nothing else.”

Peggy felt trapped, angry.  She stalked past Steve out into the living room.  He followed, but not closely.  He hung back in the doorway, giving her space.  She couldn’t look at him.  “It happened, okay,” she said.  “Isn’t that enough?  I thought we found a way to get past it.  What would we hope to find by rehashing the bloody thing?”

He waited.  She finally turned and looked at him.  He was leaning against the door, his hands shoved in his pockets.  He took a deep breath.  “I loved you,” he said quietly.  “During the war, before the Valkyrie.”

She blinked quickly, fighting back tears.

He shrugged.  “After we woke up in this place and it was just the two of us, I guess I figured it would happen.  We’d be together.  There was no reason to rush things.”  He looked away, his jaw tight.  “And then Loki came to town.”

Peggy crossed her arms over her chest, steeling herself.

“We were raped, Peggy,” he said bluntly.  “Both of us.”  He took another deep breath.  “And we both have to live with that.  I have to live with knowing how it feels - “  He stopped, regrouped.  When he spoke again, his voice was hoarse, unsteady.  “I have to live with knowing how it feels to do things to you that I didn’t want to do.  I know what it feels like to hurt you, to nearly kill you.”

Peggy opened her mouth to defend him, but Steve held up his hand.

“Bucky and I talk about this a lot,” he said.  “I know it’s not my fault.  I know I had no choice.  But I still did it.  And I still remember everything.  I remember you begging me to stop.”  He took another breath.  “And you still remember everything.  Every time you look at me, I can feel that.”

Peggy screwed her eyes shut, feeling the tears on her cheeks.  She took a shuddering breath, blinking quickly.  “I loved you too,” she said quietly.

He nodded.  “I know it’s a mess.  And it should be a mess, given what happened.  I know it’s complicated.”  He took his hands out of his pocket and immediately started fidgeting.  “I still love you,” he said quietly, looking blindly across the room.  “I’m still _in love_ with you.”  He shrugged.  “I understand if you don’t, or can’t feel that way anymore.  But I can’t sit here and just watch you walk out of my life without at least saying something.”

Peggy shook her head, wrapping her arms tightly around herself.  “Maybe Sarah and I should find another place.”

He ground his teeth together and looked away.  She knew he was frustrated, and she appreciated that he was doing his damndest to keep his body language nonthreatening.  “This is why I didn’t say anything,” he said quietly.  “I don’t want to scare you off.  I don’t want to make you feel trapped, or like you’re under any obligation.”  He paused a moment.  “If you don’t want anything between us, then there won’t be anything.  I won’t bring it up again.  I’ll be your roommate for however long you need one.  I’ll support you and Sarah in whatever way you need support.”

She looked at him warily.  “But you want more.”

He shrugged.  “I understand the consequences of my choices.”

She ground her teeth together, shaking her head.  “I don’t want you throwing your life away on me, Steve.”

She looked at him and he held her gaze.  “It’s _my_ choice, Peggy,” he said.  “And I damn well think you’re worth it.”

 

* * *

 

Steve got a call during breakfast the next morning and Peggy felt more than a little guilty at how relieved she was that he was going to be gone for a few days.  As soon as he left, she got the laptop and started looking for new apartments.  She checked school districts, something close, but not too close.  She wanted stability for Sarah, but some distance from Steve.  It would be best for everyone.

She called and made an appointment to look at one of the places.  The property manager could show it that afternoon.  It was a far cry from the space and amenities of where they were living now, but it was workable.  Peggy would have to be tighter with money, but they could do it.  They could make it.  

She stood in the smaller bedroom with its stained carpet and dinged up walls, holding Sarah in her arms.  She wondered if Steve would insist on Sarah splitting time between their apartments.  The thought of Sarah only being in that little room half the time didn’t make Peggy feel any better.  It was a sobering thought that stopped her in her tracks.

Peggy really would be a single mom.

Sarah wasn’t a newborn anymore.  And she loved her father so much.  The way her face would light up when he came home.  She needed him, absolutely as much as she needed Peggy.

And the thought of Peggy only seeing Steve when they dropped off or picked up Sarah left her feeling unexpectedly hollow, in a way she hadn’t anticipated.

Peggy thanked the woman who had shown them the apartment and then went home.  She sat on the living room floor, playing with the baby.  Peggy didn’t want to leave.  The realization hit her hard.  She liked the way things were.  She liked Sarah having two parents under the same roof.

That night, when Sarah was asleep, Peggy lay in bed staring at the ceiling.  She liked having Steve around.  And not just for the opportunities it afforded Sarah.  Peggy liked Steve.  She _loved_ Steve.  She was probably even _in love_ with Steve, but she so rarely allowed herself to consider that possibility.

The idea of being in love with anyone, even Steve, was still terrifying to her.  What if she told him how she still felt about him, and then found out the hard way she couldn’t handle physical intimacy?  Surely that would be worse than never admitting it at all.

She didn’t want to risk stringing Steve along when she might truthfully never be ready to have a physical relationship with him.  What if she tried and the memories of that day overwhelmed her?  What if he touched her and she couldn’t stop herself from making those associations?

She could share space with Steve.  She could even cuddle up on the couch with Steve, without feeling panic or fear.  But making dinner with someone was a far cry from an actual relationship, and all it entailed.

 

* * *

 

Peggy could hear Sarah babbling when she woke.  She couldn’t make out any words, but she could tell from the tone that Steve was talking to her.  He must have gotten home sometime during the night.

Peggy put on her robe and went out to the kitchen.  Steve and Sarah were making pancakes.  Steve had moved her highchair near the stove, so she could supervise.  Peggy noted with a wry smile that more of the blueberries made their way into Sarah’s mouth, than into the pancakes.

Peggy leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Sarah’s head and she screeched, kicking her legs.

Steve handed Peggy a cup of coffee, and then turned to give Sarah more blueberries.  “Good morning.”

Peggy took the coffee gratefully.  “Good morning.”  She watched him flip the pancake.  “Are you home for a while?”

He nodded.  “The rest of the week at least.”

 

* * *

 

Steve didn’t seem inclined to pick up their previous conversation, which was a relief to Peggy.  Instead, they went grocery shopping, and then took Sarah to the park.  

As Steve was pushing Sarah in the baby swing, he said, “Natasha asked about you and Bean.”

Peggy nodded.  “I need to call Natasha.  She left a message a couple of days ago.”

When they got back to the apartment, Steve played with Sarah while Peggy spent some time laying on her bed, reading a novel.  Peggy wasn’t sure what had happened on Steve’s last two deployments, but she got that they were rough.  He really didn’t seem to want to let Sarah out of his sight.  

The rest of the day was quiet.  It was early winter, though it hadn’t gotten too cold yet.  In the evenings, there was a definite chill in the air and it got dark early.  Peggy tried a new recipe for dinner, which Steve seemed to like, but Sarah turned her nose up at, preferring her yogurt and bananas.

Peggy gave Sarah a bath and nursed her while Steve cleaned up the kitchen.  Then he rocked Sarah to sleep and settled her in her crib.

Peggy was sitting on the couch, watching a movie when Steve walked out of Sarah’s room.  He joined Peggy on the couch and she offered him part of her blanket, more out of a desire to leech his warmth than out of some concern that he might be cold.  He didn’t say anything as he slumped down on the couch.  She sat right next to him, tucking the blanket tightly around both of them.

The movie ended and another started.  Peggy looked over at Steve.  “What happened on the deployment?”

He shook his head.  “A lot of collateral damage.”

“Are you okay?”

He nodded and sighed.  “Yeah.  It just ... takes a toll.  Makes me wonder about what kind of world we’re going to leave Bean.”

Peggy understood his worries so well.  “I think that’s probably how parents have felt for countless generations.”

He looked over at her and shrugged.  “I suppose.”

Peggy bit down on her bottom lip, staring at the far wall.  Taking a deep breath, she steeled her nerve.  “How did you find out?” she asked.  “About Sarah?”

Steve looked over at her for a long moment.  “Natasha told me.  She was notified after they took you in for assault.  Tony arranged a charter flight for me.  I got there before they’d placed Bean with a foster family.”  He laughed and arched an eyebrow.  “That’s why I call her Bean.”

Peggy frowned.

He shook his head.  “When I was a kid, you could get these packs at the five and dime.  Mexican jumping beans.  And on the front of them was this drawing of a bean, but it was so mad, and bright red.”  He chuckled again.  “The first time I saw her, that’s what she looked like.  That poor child welfare worker was trying to hold her and she was not having any of it.  She was so little, but so mad, screaming bloody murder.”  He shrugged.  “She didn’t like me any better than the woman, but I held her anyway.  I promised her I’d take care of her.  Always.”

Peggy blinked quickly, nodding.  She felt awful.  “So you didn’t know about her.  Before.”

He looked over at her again and shook his head.  “No.  I didn’t.”

She pursed her lips together.  “I’m sorry.  I should have told you.”

He was quiet for a long moment.  “I’m just sorry I couldn’t help you both sooner.  You needed it.”

Peggy didn’t say anything, but she rested her head on his shoulder.  He held his hand out, palm up and she placed her hand in it.  They threaded their fingers together and finished watching the movie.

 

* * *

 

“Go ahead,” Peggy said, “tell me I look like shit.  That’s your usual opener.”

Natasha gave her a wry smile.  “You look good.”

Peggy frowned.  “Thank you.”  She did look good, and she knew it.  She’d gained back some of the weight she lost after Sarah was born.  And she’d finally picked up some new clothes.  A red sweater and a pair of dark denim leggings.  It wasn’t exactly 1940s glam, but she knew it flattered her.  “Apologies but Sarah isn’t here.  She’s changed a lot since you last saw her.”

“Don’t count on it,” Natasha said.  “I’ve seen at least a thousand pictures of your kid.  Every time I see Rogers he has new pictures or videos.  He shows them to everyone.  It’s so obnoxious.”

Peggy bit back a smile, trying to imagine Steve as the doting dad with his co-workers.  “He’s a devoted father.”

Natasha nodded.  “I know.”  She took a sip of coffee.  “He’s probably not real easy to live with though?”

Peggy frowned.  “What do you mean?”

Natasha arched an eyebrow.  “You know, the hair trigger.”  She shrugged.  “It’s common enough with everybody in our line of work.  You don’t sneak up on a co-worker unless you want to catch an elbow to the face, or worse.  But Rogers is more tightly wound than most.  Probably not easy with a baby around.  They’re not known for treading lightly.”

The waiter brought their coffees and Peggy took a sip, giving herself a moment.  She finally shook her head. “No.  He’s fine.”  Peggy certainly didn’t make a habit of sneaking up on Steve, but he definitely didn’t have what she would consider a hair trigger.  Quite the opposite.  

Natasha looked surprised, but she didn’t say anything more.

“Thank you,” Peggy said quietly.  “For everything you did.”

Natasha arched a brow.  “I didn’t do much.”

Peggy gave her a wry smile.  “Yes you did.  And you know you did.  So thank you.”

Natasha took a sip of her coffee and leaned back in her chair.  “So how are you and Steve?”

Peggy shrugged.  “We’re all right.  We’re roommates and parents.”

“Anything more?”

“Not right now,” Peggy said seriously.

Natasha nodded, and there was an understanding in her gaze that caused Peggy to look away.  

“I think we might both want more,” Peggy said.  “But it’s complicated.”

“It certainly is that,” Natasha agreed.  She took another sip.  

Peggy nodded.

 

* * *

 

Peggy stood in the kitchen, staring at the roasting pan  Steve came to stand next to her, bouncing Sarah in his arms.  “That’s ... big,” he said.

Peggy nodded.

“Is it supposed to be that big?”

She turned and looked up at him.

He shrugged.  “There’s only two of us and Bean only has four teeth.”

Peggy sighed, crossing her arms over her chest.  “This is your bloody holiday.  I didn’t realize the turkeys would all be so large.”

 

* * *

 

 “So ... “ Steve said.  “Christmas.”  He was sitting in the recliner, with Sarah asleep on his shoulder, rubbing gentle circles on her back.

Peggy looked over at him from where she was sitting on the couch, still doing her best to digest Thanksgiving.  “Yes.  The next big holiday.  What about it?”

He shrugged.  “It’s Bean’s first Christmas.  I’m just wondering what we should do.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well ... traditions,” he said somewhat sheepishly.  “I mean, it seems like we should do something.”

She frowned.  “What did you do last year?”

“I tracked down a pack of Russian mercs in Cambodia.”

“Sounds festive.”

“Oh yeah,” he said dryly.  “It was a great time.”  He narrowed his gaze.  “What did you do?”

“I sat on the couch watching a film noir marathon and crying.”

He frowned.  “Were they sad?”

“No,” she said flatly.  “I was.”

He frowned harder.

Peggy sighed.  “What did your family do for Christmas when you were younger?”

He shrugged.  “We never had much, but we made do.  I’d help Ma make ornaments for the tree.  Every year, I’d get a quarter in my stocking.”

Peggy narrowed her gaze.  “What do you think a quarter is after a hundred years of inflation?”

He laughed.  “What about you?  What did your family do?”

Peggy looked away, frowning.  “I grew up with a very privileged life.  There were always rounds of Christmas parties.  When I was younger, there would be caroling.  Every year my uncle Andrew would dress up like Father Christmas.”

“Did you like it?”

“I loved it.”

He nodded.  “We should get a tree.”

 

* * *

 

The following day, they got a tree.  Along with half of the D.C. metro area.  Peggy managed to talk Steve into a small tree.  Then they went shopping and got several strands of lights and some ornaments.  Sarah was bewildered by the entire process.  And once they had the tree up and covered in lights, she wouldn’t stop trying to climb it.

Peggy tasked Steve with guarding the tree from the baby since he was the one who wanted the tree.  He didn’t seem to mind.

They ate turkey sandwiches.  Again.  And then Peggy sat on the couch, watching as Steve held Sarah and danced around the room to Christmas carols, making both Sarah and Peggy laugh.  Steve eventually slowed down as Sarah started flagging.  Peggy took her and changed her into her pajamas, and then Steve walked around the living room with her against his chest until she fell asleep.

Carefully, he sat down on the couch, absently rubbing Sarah’s back as he looked at the tree.

“I never asked you what you were thankful for,” Peggy said, watching him.

He turned and looked at her, a somewhat wistful expression on his face.  “Everything.”

“A bit vague,” Peggy teased.

He looked at her again, shaking his head.  “No it’s not.  A year ago I felt so alone.”  He took a deep breath.  “And now I have ... all this.  I’m thankful for all of it.”

Peggy smiled at him and pushed herself to her feet.  She stepped closer to him and leaned down, reaching for Sarah.  Steve didn’t immediately hand her over and Peggy looked at him.  They were so close, faces nearly touching.

Peggy started to move and then stopped.  And then started again.  Slowly, gently, she pressed her lips to his.  His breath caught, but he didn’t pull away.  Neither of them tried to turn the kiss into more than it was.  

She eventually pulled back.  This time when she reached for Sarah, Steve handed the baby to her.

Peggy’s heart was hammering in her chest, but she forced herself to move slowly, carefully.  She tucked Sarah into her crib, and then stood there for a long time, watching her.  Peggy went to her own room and changed into a pair of fleece pajamas.  Cautiously, she went back to the living room, but Steve wasn’t there.

She sat down on the couch and turned on the TV.  It was probably twenty minutes later, when Steve came back into the apartment, smelling like the cold.  

He sat down on the couch next to her, his lips pursed into a thin line.  He leaned forward and tossed his phone onto the coffee table.  “I ship out in the morning.  Early.”

She looked over at him.  “How long are you gone?”

He shook his head, frowning.  “Hopefully just a day.”

She nodded.  “Are all of Fury’s operatives’ schedules this erratic?”

He shook his head.  “No.  There’s only certain ops they can give me, so they tend to be random.”

She narrowed her eyes.  “What’s special about your ops?”

“They’re solo,” he said.  He looked over at her.  “I don’t work with a crew.  It’s just me.  It’s ... better that way.  For now anyway.”

Peggy thought about what Nat had said, about Steve having a hair trigger.  Peggy still hadn’t seen any sign of that at home, but it seemed like maybe it was a bigger issue at work.  She wasn’t sure what to think of that distinction.

Eventually, Steve’s posture relaxed.  He sagged back in the couch cushions and propped his feet on the coffee table.  They sat there, watching re-runs of a sitcom from the late nineties - not that either of them saw it in its initial run.  Steve eventually shifted, stretching his arm out along the back of the couch.  Peggy moved, leaning against him and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.  He didn’t do anything else.  They just watched TV.

It was late when Peggy finally pushed herself to her.  Steve did so as well.  They stood in the darkened living room, with only the Christmas tree lights for illumination.  Steve gently grasped the very tips of her fingers with his own.  Neither of them moved.

Eventually, Peggy squeezed his hand.  “Be careful.”

He nodded.  “I will.”

 

* * *

 

Steve wasn’t even gone an entire day.  It was late, after eleven, and Peggy was cleaning up the kitchen when she heard Steve.  He looked exhausted, but less haunted, which she appreciated.  He dropped his bag by the front door and went and took a shower.  

She sat on the couch with a mug of tea, waiting.  He changed into an old t-shirt and a pair of sweats and took a seat next to her, leaning back in the cushions, closing his eyes.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she said.

He opened his eyes and looked at her.  He extended his hand, palm up, and she settled her hand against his.  He closed his eyes again.  “I’m glad I’m home too.”

 

* * *

 

Sarah had a doctor appointment first thing in the morning and Peggy was glad that Steve could go.  They were in the exam room and Peggy handed Sarah to him.  “I need you to hold her.”

He looked at her, gathering Sarah close.  “Why?”

“Because they’re going to give her a bunch of shots.”

He frowned.  “And you want me to be the bad guy.”

“Precisely,” she said flatly.

The shots weren’t too bad.  Sarah didn’t cry very long, but she did give Steve the stink eye and insist on going to Peggy.  After that, they stopped by the grocery store.  The weather was supposed to get bad and Peggy didn’t want to run out of provisions.

The rest of the day was spent at home.  Nisha and the boys were supposed to come over, but the weather moved in more quickly than anticipated.  The rain quickly turned to freezing rain, and then to ice and snow.  It got cold, the coldest it had been in years, according to the weather app.

Peggy double checked the thermostat when she tucked Sarah into her crib.  Sarah was wearing a pair of thick flannel pajamas, but Peggy wanted to make sure she would be warm enough.

 

* * *

 

Peggy woke, sitting up in bed and listening.  She heard it again.  Sarah.  There was no light at all.  The power must have gone out.  And the heat.  It was freezing.  She grabbed her phone and threw back the covers, shivering as she crept into Sarah’s room.  

Sarah was standing up in her crib, reaching for Peggy.   Peggy cuddled her close.  Her nose was so cold.  Peggy walked back to the door of her room, but it was freezing too.  Peggy had been shivering beneath the covers.  She grabbed the comforter off her bed.

“Let’s go, my darling,” Peggy said, heading down the hallway.

She knocked sharply on Steve’s door and then pushed it open.  There was a sleepy sound from him.  Peggy crossed the room to his bed, sweeping the flashlight from her phone around the room.  He was sprawled out on his stomach, splayed out like a starfish in his bed.

“Pick a side, Steve.”

He mumbled and moved to the far side of the bed.  Peggy put Sarah down on the mattress and Steve cuddled her close.  Situating the pillows, Peggy then added her comforter to Steve’s blankets and crawled in the bed.

Sarah, thankfully, went right back to sleep once she was warm.  Peggy wasn’t sure that Steve had ever completely woken up.  Peggy made the right call, coming in here.  Steve put out heat like a furnace.

 

* * *

 

Peggy opened an eye to see Sarah sitting up on the bed between herself and Steve.  She watched as Sarah leaned over Steve and smacked him on the cheek.  He flinched and then opened his eyes.  He smiled at Sarah and gave her a hug.

“Morning, Bean.”

Sarah laughed.

 

* * *

 

The next couple of weeks were busy.  There was a Christmas party for the playgroup.  And then another, smaller Christmas party for Nisha and Aaron and all the kids.  Steve surprised Peggy by asking if she cared if he invited Natasha and Bucky over for an evening.  Peggy didn’t care.

It was interesting, to Peggy, to see Steve interact with Natasha and Bucky.  He was obviously so proud of Sarah, constantly showing her off.  Peggy got the sense that Natasha and Bucky were just as interested to see Steve interacting with her and the baby.  It made her wonder at just how separate the two halves of his life were.

It was late when Natasha and Bucky finally left.  Sarah had been asleep for hours and Peggy was in the kitchen cleaning up.  Steve joined her and helped her finish with the dishes.  They were both standing in the kitchen, looking at one another.

Cautiously, Peggy reached out to him.  Steve caugher her hand, grasping it lightly.  Slowly, Peggy closed the distance between them.  She stood there for a long moment, with one of her hands twined with Steve’s and the other resting on his chest, over his heart.  She looked up at him and he was watching her intently.

Steeling her nerve, she pushed up on her toes and pressed her lips to his.  He leaned into it, but did nothing to deepen it.  Slowly, his hand came up, cupping the side of her face, his thumb tracing gently over her cheekbone.  Peggy plucked at his lips with her own and he reciprocated.  But the kiss was still very tame, slow.

She eventually pulled back and took a step backwards, ducking her head.  She knew her cheeks were red.  “Goodnight, Steve,” she said.

He released her hand.  “Goodnight, Peg.”

 

* * *

 

She knew, at breakfast, that something was up.  Steve had one of the worst poker faces she’d ever seen.  She had just finished wiping yogurt off Sarah’s hands and setting her on the floor, when Steve finally spoke.

“Will you please see Parrish with me?”

She stopped and looked at him.  She finally resumed her cleaning and went to the sink to wash out the dishcloth.

He sighed.  “Peggy, we need to talk about this.’

She turned and looked at him.  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

He took a deep breath.  “I know that, okay.  I got that, loud and clear.  But I think we need to talk about this, _I_ need to talk about this.”  He paused, looking at her intently.  “I want this, Peggy.  I want _us_.  Spending time together, the kisses, the sleeping next to each other.  I want all that.  And more.  But I’m scared.  And I need to talk about this.”

His admission, that he was afraid, took all the wind out of her sails.  She nodded.  “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

“It’s good to see you, Peggy,” Dr. Parrish said.

Peggy nodded.  She was sitting on one end of the couch in Parrish’s office.  Steve was sitting on the other end, looking nervous.  The office was located in the SHIELD complex.  Peggy knew that Steve was often here, but this was her first visit.  Steve had driven them over, in Peggy’s car.  They hadn’t really spoken on the way.

“I understand from Steve that you two have a daughter, Sarah.  Is she here today?”

Peggy shook her head, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.  “She’s with a friend.”  She threaded her fingers together to stop her hands shaking.

“You have friends here, then?  People you trust with your daughter?”

Peggy nodded.  “Nisha.  She has twin boys Sarah’s age.”

Parrish nodded.  “I’m glad you’ve found friends, both for you and for Sarah.”  He shifted in his chair and looked at Peggy intently.  “Are you planning on staying in D.C.?  Putting down roots?”

Peggy opened her mouth and then closed it.  “I don’t know,” she admitted.  “I’m not sure.”  She took a deep breath.  “It’s important - “ She looked over at Steve.  “To both of us.  That we both be near Sarah.  So I guess as long as Steve is based out of D.C., we’ll be here.”

“And Steve?  Are you planning to stay in D.C.?”

Steve sat up straighter, seemingly taken off guard by the question.  “Uh, for the time being, yeah.  I guess.”

Dr. Parrish looked from Steve to Peggy.  “Are either of you in the habit of making long term plans?  Have you discussed where you want to be in five years?”

Peggy looked at Steve.  He turned to Parrish and shrugged.  “Not really,” he admitted.  He took a deep breath.  “It seems hard to discuss the future without talking about the past and we’ve both been hesitant to do that.”

Parrish nodded.  “But you two are living together.”

Steve nodded.  “As roommates.”

“Just roommates?” Parrish asked.  He turned to Peggy.

Peggy shifted on the couch.  “There’s been a bit of ... flirtation,” she said.  “Nothing very physical.”

“You’re living together.  You’re raising your child together,” Parrish said.  “That’s more than flirtation.  That’s a life.”

Peggy arched an eyebrow and looked away.

“Do you want it to be more?” Parrish pushed.  “You said there’s been some flirtation, but do either of you want to be more than roommates and parents?”

Peggy looked at Steve, who met her gaze.  He pursed his lips together and turned to Parrish.  “I think so,” he said.  “I mean, I want more.  It’s just ... a lot.  After everything that happened to us.”

Dr. Parrish nodded.  “A lot was stolen from both of you,” he said quietly.  “You both went through an incredibly traumatic event.”  

Parrish paused, waiting to see if either of them would speak.  When they didn’t he turned and looked at Peggy.  “And you, Peggy, do you want more than you currently have with Steve?”

Peggy took a deep breath.  “Yes,” she said bluntly.  “I do.  Otherwise I wouldn’t be here.  I want what we had before Loki hurt us.  I want to feel the excitement of being with Steve, without having to worry if it’s going to be too much, if I’m going to try and be intimate with him and have it be too much for me - or for him.”

Dr. Parrish paused.  “Are you afraid Steve will hurt you?”

“What?” Peggy asked, truly taken off guard.  “No.  Why would you ask that?”

Dr. Parrish pursed his lips together.  “He hurt you before.  Very badly.”

Peggy was trembling with anger.  “ _Loki_ hurt me.  Hurt _us_.  Steve didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But it was Steve’s body,” Parrish said quietly.

“Driven by _Loki_ ’s will,” Peggy said, suddenly aware that she was on her feet, yelling at Dr. Parrish.  Self-consciously, she sat down, arms crossed over her chest.

Dr. Parrish watched her for several long moments.  “Are you afraid of Steve, physically?”

She looked at him incredulously.  “Of course I’m not afraid of Steve.”

Dr. Parrish frowned.  “What are you afraid of?”

Peggy opened her mouth and then snapped it shut again.  She shook her head.  “I’m afraid of - “  She stopped, fell silent.

Parrish waited, but when Peggy didn’t speak any more, he turned to Steve.  “Are you afraid of hurting her?”

Peggy looked over at Steve, who was nodding, staring at his hands, laced together in his lap.  He looked up at Parrish.  “Yeah,” he said flatly.  “I am.”  He took a breath.  “It’s happened, a few times, at work.  Some movement I’m not expecting, someone touches me.  I can snap.”

“Has that ever happened at home with Peggy or Sarah?”

Steve shook his head.  “No.  Never.”

Parrish frowned.  “That’s odd, don’t you think?”

Steve shrugged, jaw tight.  “I’m there to protect them.  To keep them safe.  That’s my first association with both of them.”

“But you’re afraid it could happen, that you could snap with them?”

“Of course I’m afraid,” he said.  “I mean, I would never want to.  I hope I’m not capable.  But the thought scares me.”

Dr. Parrish took more notes and then looked at the clock.  “I’d like to see both of you again next week.”

Reluctantly, Peggy nodded.  So did Steve.  They made an appointment.  Peggy pushed it out as far as she could, so it would be almost two weeks.

 

* * *

 

Sarah was exhausted when they picked her up, and she immediately fell asleep in the car.  Once they were home, Peggy managed to get her up to the apartment without waking her.  Peggy did laundry while Sarah slept.  But Sarah finally woke and immediately wanted Steve.  The two of them played in the living room while Peggy made dinner.

They ate, then Sarah got a bath and pajamas.  Steve and Peggy both read to her.  She was finally getting to the age that she didn’t spend the entire time trying to eat the books.  Steve managed to get Sarah to sleep in her crib.  

Later, Steve and Peggy sat on the couch, watching TV.  Peggy snuggled against Steve’s side and he laced his fingers through hers.  It was getting late and Peggy yawned, pushing herself to her feet.  Steve turned off the TV and did the same.  

Turning, Peggy looked up at him.  Cautiously, she reached out, touching his chest lightly.  He waited.  She toyed with one of the buttons on his shirt.  “Do you want to sleep over?”  She looked up at him.  “I just mean sleep.  With me.”

He held her gaze and nodded slowly.  “Yeah.”

She felt butterflies in the pit of her stomach.  “Okay.”

He motioned vaguely in the direction of his room.  “I need to change.”

She nodded.  “Of course.”

 

* * *

 

Peggy changed into her pajamas, which were certainly not meant for seduction.  A worn t-shirt and a pair of flannel pajama pants.   She combed out her hair and brushed her teeth.  She was in bed under the covers when Steve knocked lightly on the door.

She called for him to come in and he pushed the door open cautiously.  He saw her in bed and gave her a tight smile.  He was dressed similarly, in a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.  He crossed the room to her and slipped under the covers, turning off the lamp Peggy had left on.

For a while they were both silent and still.  But then Steve shifted, stretching out his arm and Peggy took it for the invitation it was, curling against his side, resting her head on his shoulder.  It wasn’t so different from how they often sat together on the couch, and Peggy realized with some shock that she knew his body, the feel of it against her.  It was comforting, holding him so close in the dark.

 

* * *

 

When Sarah screeched in the morning, Steve was the one who got up and got her.  Peggy could hear them in the kitchen, making breakfast.  She got up and showered, going over the previous night in her mind.

It had been nice.  They curled together for a long time.  There was some kissing.  It went farther than they’d dared so far, but nothing that pushed either of them beyond what they were comfortable with.

The day was typical.  Steve had to head into the office for a while.  Peggy and Sarah went to the playgroup.  They came home and had lunch.  By the time Sarah was waking up from her nap, Steve was home again.

Peggy was folding laundry at the kitchen table and he was loitering.  She waited.

He finally said, “There’s a ... thing, at work.  On Friday night.”

Peggy arched an eyebrow at him.  “A thing?”

He nodded.  “A holiday party.  I was wondering if you wanted to go.”

She frowned, immediately uncomfortable with the idea.  “I don’t know if - “

He held out his hand.  “It’s no big deal.  If you don’t want to go, that’s fine.  But I’m going to have to go for a little bit.  Put in an appearance.”

She nodded.  “I’ll think about it, okay?”

He nodded.  “Sure.”

 

* * *

 

That night, shortly after Peggy had climbed in bed, there was a knock at her door.  Steve stuck his head in the door.  “I wasn’t sure if - “

She pulled back the covers in invitation.

 

* * *

 

Peggy looked at herself in the changing room mirror.  Sarah was standing up, looking into the floor length mirror at herself, smacking the reflection and laughing.  Peggy slowly turned, smoothing down the dress.  She didn’t own anything even remotely appropriate for a holiday party.  She still wasn’t completely sure she would go.  But she felt like she should.  Steve asked things of her so rarely.  And she knew he didn’t want to go alone.

The dress was a deep red sweater dress.  It was soft and warm, but hugged the outline of her body.  The boatneck was modestly high, but the overall effect was quite flattering.

She looked down at the baby.  “What do you think?”

Sarah just laughed.

Peggy frowned at her reflection.  “Quite.”

 

* * *

 

Steve wasn’t home by the time that Peggy went to sleep.  But she woke when he stepped into her room.  “Peg?”

She nodded, pulling back the blankets.  He slid beneath the covers, pulling her back against him, murmuring her name.  

She turned to face him, tucking her head under her chin, wrapping her arm around his waist.  Her hand found its way under his shirt, her nails biting into the small of his back as he ducked his head and kissed her.

 

* * *

 

“You’re sure this is okay?” Peggy asked, for the fifth time.

Nisha gave her a tight smile.  “We’ll be fine.  All of us.  Now go on and _have fun_ .”  As Steve headed for the door, Nisha whispered at Peggy, “You two look _good.”_  She winked at Peggy.

Peggy waved her off and caught up with Steve at the door.  He wrapped an arm around her waist and ushered her out to the car.  Once in the car, Peggy glanced over at Steve.  He definitely looked good, in a dark blue button up shirt and dark trousers.  The cut of both items showed off his impressive physique.  Not that Peggy didn’t know exactly what his proportions were.  But it was still a breathtaking sight.

She smoothed down her dress, which had ridden up when she sat down in the car.  It currently hit her at mid thigh.  She was surprised how easy it had been to get ready for the evening.  Hair, makeup, the dress.  Once she started getting ready, the ritual found a rhythm of its own.  The end result wasn’t half bad, if she did say so herself.

The party was at one of the nicer hotels downtown.  Once they were inside, Peggy forced herself to stop fussing with her dress.  This type of evening was something that would have been so easy for her two years ago - or seventy-two years, depending on how you looked at it.  But she felt hopelessly out of practice mingling and making conversation.

Steve didn’t seem much more comfortable, but at least he knew all of these people.  Peggy was relieved when Natasha sought her out, with Barnes in tow.  They didn’t look thrilled to be at the party either and Natasha immediately took Peggy aside.

They found the open bar and then a quiet corner.  Natasha pointed out Steve’s coworkers, giving her own spin on them.  Peggy was deeply relieved by the fact that Natasha kept the conversation going easily.  It gave Peggy time to unwind.

They had just ordered a second round of drinks when Natasha said, “How are you and Steve doing?”

Peggy took a deep breath and nodded.  “Good.”

Natasha narrowed her eyes a bit, but didn’t ask any more questions.  Peggy wondered what Natasha suspected.  Peggy was certain that Steve hadn’t told anybody about the changes in their relationship.  They shared a bed now.  Every night.  They’d pretty much given up the pretense of her inviting Steve over.  He knew he was welcome.

Steve and Bucky appeared as the server arrived with their drinks.  Other servers were carrying around trays of appetizers.  Peggy and Natasha sent the guys on a search and recovery mission.  They returned with plates heaped with food.

Peggy was sitting right next to Steve and one of his arms was wrapped around her waist.  She was shocked at how good of a time she was having.  The drinks definitely helped, but it was more than that.  She genuinely enjoyed Natasha and Bucky’s company.  She liked that Steve seemed to be having a good time as well.

When Bucky and Natasha got caught up in a heated discussion, Steve leaned over and pressed a kiss behind Peggy’s ear.  She smiled at him, putting her hand on his knee.

They all talked for a long time, and then the music started.  There were a surprising amount of people dancing, Peggy assumed because of the open bar.  Steve looked at her in question and she nodded.  They never got their dance and she didn’t intend to waste any more time.  She knew how easily it could all be taken away.

She waved at Natasha as they headed for the dance floor.  The music was slow and Steve pulled her close.  Ever graceful, he managed to avoid stepping on her toes.  Though there weren’t any complicated steps.  Mostly they held one another and swayed to the music for several songs. Peggy leaned into him a little more, relishing the feel of his arms around her, the solid warmth of his body against hers.  He smelled _really_ good.  He was criminally handsome.  His lips were near her temple, and there was nowhere else in the world she would rather be.

Steve finally pulled her aside.  He was breathing too fast.  He looked at her, wetting his lips with his tongue.  “Do you want to head home?”

She felt butterflies in the pit of her stomach and nodded.  “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

They made it to the car without incident.  Peggy’s heart was still beating too fast, her breath a little too quick.  Steve took her hand as they drove.  Peggy pulled his hand close and then set it on her bare knee.  The look he gave her at one of the stoplights turned her insides liquid.

As they drove, his thumb rubbed careful circles against the bare skin of her thigh.  Peggy shifted, scooting lower in the seat, forcing his hand higher up her thigh.  He cursed under his breath, glancing over at her.  As soon as they pulled to a stop in front of Nisha’s apartment, he turned toward her.  She was already moving, wrapping her hand around his neck, pulling him close.  Their kisses were frantic and lustful.

But the front seat of Peggy’s compact car certainly wasn’t the place for this exchange.  With a whimper, Peggy regretfully pulled away.  She groaned in irritation.  “We have to go get the baby and head home.”

Steve nodded.  “Yeah,” he said, seeming more to himself than to her.  He dragged his hand through his hair, setting it on edge.  He nodded again and finally forced himself out of the car. Peggy sat there, watching as he walked halfway down the block and then back.  He finally returned to the car and opened her door, offering her a hand as she stepped out.  Peggy smoothed down her dress.

 

* * *

 

Sarah was already asleep when Steve and Peggy picked her up.  They managed to get her home and into her crib without waking her.  They stood in the doorway to Sarah’s room together, watching her.

Peggy turned and looked at Steve.  She’d taken her heels off, and held them in one hand.  Steve braced his hand against the doorframe behind her head and leaned down, kissing her softly.

Sighing, Peggy leaned into it, her free hand fisting in the material of his shirt.  She finally pulled back, looking at him.  “We should go to bed.”

He looked down at her.  “Yeah?”

She nodded, fully understanding what he was asking.  “Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

Peggy woke before dawn and stared at the ceiling in the dim, gray light.  She looked over at Steve and found him watching her.  Peggy blinked at him and he slowly moved closer, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her against him.  She curled against him easily.

“You okay?” he asked, his hand skimming lightly up and down her back.

She nodded.

Somehow she’d thought that if and when they became intimate, they would plan it all out, negotiate it.  But it hadn’t worked out like that.  They’d had a lovely evening together.  She wanted him, he wanted her.  They had an opportunity, and they took it.  Just an intimate moment in the life they shared together.

Peggy let out a deep breath and pushed closer to him.  Some of the tension seemed to leave his body and he squeezed her tightly.

From the other room, Sarah screeched.  She could feel, more than hear, Steve laugh.  “I’ll get her,” he said.

 

* * *

 

Peggy took a seat on Parrish’s couch.  “Steve and I are having sex,” she said, before the doctor could say anything.

Parrish just looked at her placidly.  “And how is it?”

Peggy pursed her lips together, suddenly feeling considerably less bravado than a moment earlier.  She glanced over at Steve.  Nodding, she said, “It’s good.”  She looked at Steve.  “I think.”

He nodded, cheeks stained with a slight blush.  “Yeah,” he said gruffly.  “It’s good.”

Parrish made a note.  “And has anything else between you changed?”

Steve shrugged.  “That seems like a lot.”

Parrish looked at him over the top of his glasses.  “It is a lot.  And I’m glad you’re both willing to discuss it openly.  But I’m wondering about the emotional side of things.  Do you feel like that has changed?”

Steve looked over at Peggy and then back to Parrish.  He took a deep breath and released it slowly.  “I’ve been in love with her for ... years.  Nothing about that has changed.”

Peggy blinked quickly.  

“Peggy?”

She looked at Parrish, and then over to Steve.  She ducked her head and took a breath.  “Steve is incredibly important to me.  I can’t imagine my life without him.  I don’t want to imagine my life without him.”  She looked up at Parrish.  “Loki stole so much from us, and I’m not going to let him take this too.  He’s in our past.  He doesn’t have anything to do with our future.”  

She looked over at Steve.  He reached out and she took his hand, moving closer to him on the couch.  

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was spent running last minute Christmas errands.  Tomorrow was Christmas eve, so the stores were packed with people.  Neither Steve nor Sarah was very excited about this, but they humored Peggy.  They picked up dinner on the way home.  Sarah was more than ready for bed when they finally laid her down and she was asleep within moments.

Peggy wrapped a few Christmas presents and put them under the tree, knowing that Sarah would probably unwrap them well before Christmas morning.  Peggy made herself a cup of tea and curled up on the couch with an old movie.  Steve joined her and they cuddled together under a blanket.

When the movie was over, Steve turned to her and kissed her gently.  Peggy touched her fingers lightly to his jaw and deepened the kiss.  For a long time, that’s all they did, touching, kissing.

Steve finally pulled back, frowning.  “I don’t want you to think that I expect - “

“Steve.”

“Yeah?”

“Make love to me.”

He swallowed harshly and nodded.  “Okay.”

 

* * *

 

Christmas eve was surprisingly quiet.  Peggy and Steve spent most of their time playing with Sarah and it was an early night for everyone.  Though Peggy and Steve didn’t actually go to sleep until much later.

 

* * *

 

Christmas morning dawned bright and cold.  Given that Sarah didn’t understand the significance of the day, Steve and Peggy took their time.  They lounged in bed with Sarah for a while.  When she made it clear she was ready to get moving for the day, they got up and made breakfast together.

After breakfast, Sarah opened all the presents under the tree, regardless of whether they were hers or not.  And she was far more interested in the paper and boxes than the actual presents.

Steve liked the coat and book that Peggy had gotten for him.  And she appreciated that he’d noticed her admiring the scarf several weeks ago.  He also got her a gift certificate for a tune up for her car, which, while decidedly unromantic, was definitely needed.

The rest of the day they spent together at home.  Sarah finally showed some interest in her presents and Steve and Peggy made dinner together.  That night, after Sarah was tucked in bed, they were cleaning up the kitchen.  Steve gave Peggy a quick kiss, which turned into considerably more.

Peggy finally pulled back far enough to look at him, without leaving the circle of his arms.  She touched his face lightly.  “I do love you.”

He smiled brightly and ducked his head, kissing her again.  “I love you too, Peggy.  Always.”

 

THE END


End file.
